yet here i am, at the office.  i’m waiting for 35 copies of this book for this presentation for this potential project i can’t name to print.  yes, you read that right.  t h i r t y – f i v e   c o p i e s.

ugh.

once i get about ten, i’ll head downstairs to bind them while the rest print.  i think staggering like that will be a good idea.  thank goodness they’re not big.

notes for timing:

• i arrived at the office at 3:30pm.
• i started printing at 8:30pm

let’s see what time i finish.  any bets?

i had my first review at work today. yes, i’m 27 years old and i’ve never had a real performance review before. i had ‘talks’ at my old job in New York, but that was because i was drowning and they kept trying to bail me out with hopes i’d learn to swim. (let’s just say i wasn’t quite ready for the deep end at that point in my life.)

overall, the review went well. we talked about the good, the not so good, and the inbetweens. (as a plus, we got word today that we were selected for a really spiffy awesome job in which i had a huge hand in the materials. bonus points for me!)

but my actual review is not the point of tonight’s musing. about halfway through, my reviewers (my pseudoboss and a super cool architect) asked me the age old question (in so many words), “what are your five-year goals?”

i gave the most honest answer i could - i don’t know.

let me be more specific. i couldn’t answer the question the way they wanted me to. they were looking more for how i could see myself fitting into the company after five years, whether i had dreams of taking on a leadership role, or exploring something new . . . and i was almost ready to spit out, “working for a newspaper.”

that would not have gone over well.

instead, i thought about it in the same terms they were referencing. what did i hope to accomplish and grow into at my current job? my mind went blank. i really didn’t know what to say. do i really want to be a leader? do i really want to do this same job with the same stressful hours sitting at the same messy desk in front of the same computer for years on end?

usually at the one-year mark, i’m itching to get up and go. or i’m trying to stay and it just doesn’t work out. this time, there is no terminus. there is only this indefinite amount of time and a never-ending stream of work. these are uncharted waters for me. i don’t know how i’ll react, or how to make staying work. in a way, that’s scarier than facing change.

readers (all four or five of you), do you have a five-year career goal? or even a five-year life goal? have you reached it at any point, or has it been revised time after time to keep you chasing the carrot?

i don’t know how to plan for the future – i’ve never had to do it before. is it really so wrong to live for now and let the future just happen?

• i went to see a movie tonight with my friend-sorority-sister-former-roommate theresa (from now on, referenced as ‘tre’) on a whim. we saw “wanted,” and it was quite fun. i’d even go as far as to say it was really good. i do the whole ’suspension of disbelief’ pretty well, and so i may be a little more forgiving than others. but my theory on a good movie is ‘if it’s fun, and i leave talking about parts of the movie, it rates as good.’
• on a related note, i am SO EXCITED for the new Batman movie. i think Christian Bale as Batman is one of the best decisions the franchise has made in years. nothing beats the original Michael Keaton movie, but Batman Begins was close. and i’m really happy they got rid of whatsherface . . . oh, Katie Holmes. she just seemed too young or something for that role. the new girl will be worlds better, and i don’t even know who she is.
• i’m having mixed feelings about how fast this workshop thing is going. i applied on wednesday to the Mountain Workshops and got in on thursday. i should be elated, but i’m trying to apply for the other one as well, the Missouri Photo Workshop, and now i just feel rushed and guilty. i also have this horrible feeling that the Mountain Workshops will interfere with aaron’s schedule. i hope i’m wrong.
• and on a related note. i feel like i’m being selfish, wanting to go on these workshops when he may be in port, even though i made the decision to go well before we had any idea about his upcoming schedule. shouldn’t i be dropping everything to go see him? what if we think it happens one weekend, and it ends up changing to a week of a workshop? am i supposed to pick up and go at that point? i can’t tell what would make me feel worse, which is just making me feel crappy all over.
• i have parties the rest of the weekend. i’m quite excited for them. i should go to bed so i can get started on the festivities. starting with a haircut.